February 2005 Archives

the calm after the storm

Tommorow is Friday- and all I can say is thank God! I am off tommorow to spend the weekend with my family (all of us kids will be there- should be fun). I will try to post some more pictures when I get back...

So this is Kira's Jennifer Coolidge face. I swear it looks better in person. It made me and Lauren laugh every time. If anyone knows Kira- they should ask her to bust the face once in awhile- its crazy funny.

P.S. No one knows why she has a yellow blazer...

I traveled through the pouring rain (yeah, i enjoyed it) to Flagstaff this weekend to see my sister for a belated birthday celebration. It was goodtimes- especially since Robin let me borrow his Nissan Titan. As a result of that truck, I got two phone numbers, was told that I was small for such a big truck by a big Texan, and got to listen to hours of XM radio- all in all not bad. And look, I actually took some pictures but for some reason most of them are of my sister and her friend, Kira. See...

Kira and Lauren

Driving into Flagstaff

Lauren and Kira again

There are other pictures too- especially one of Kira in some crazy eyeshadow where she looks like Jennifer Coolidge of "Best in Show" and "American Pie" fame. But that will come tommorow- I gotta leave you with some anticipation- you know....

In my messenger bag/satchel/the big bag that has taken over my need for a back pack (whatever you want to call it), I carry certain essentials. These essentials are just that- I need them to survive my everday life. The contents are usually a make-up bag, an idea journal/notebook, a list of current cds that I will get around to getting when I have more money, and gum. I was looking in my bag last night and I couldn't find my cd list. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. And to be honest I am kinda pissed- now what I am going to do? It took months to compile that list. Watch me find it when I am least expecting it. At least I hope...

But on another matter- and I know that I am commenting on this late- I was reading a review (I forget where) of Gwen Stefani's album and I was really surprised how many people actually like it. I am shocked because although I love Gwen and I think she is highly innovative- I thought her album was pretty bad. The beats were fine as well as her actual ideas and inspiration for the songs- but her writing didn't make it to the same level. I mean why, why would you redo a song from Fiddler on The Roof? The writing is just plain wack with the exceptions of What You Waiting For and Long Way To Go with Andre 3000- which the latter being almost all Andre's doing. Sad for Gwen- cause I know she can do better. But maybe her next cd will be better- there may have been too much pressure...

i thought i knew you
turns out i don't
i am afraid of you
you and your demands
to make me vulnerable
to make me open up

its comfortable here
here in my walls
hibernating and waiting
wondering when you will come again

but when you do
will i be ready
or will i hide again
and pretend i don't care
and repeat to myself
i don't want you
i don't need you
i only have myself

but damn
you make me crazy
cause I want and don't want
you....

I promise this is the last time that I post an un-Valentine's Day poem- sorta...
Happy Valentine's Day anyway.....

So here comes another birthday. My sister's birthday to be exact.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Lo! That's my girl right there. We are probably as different as night and day and we would just as soon choke each other than hug- but we always have each other's back. When we were younger and we would be scrapping- my mom would try to punish us- which of course brought us closer together. Cause no one can mess with my sister- only me.

I was talking to her yesterday and we were talking about the movie Troy- (its a good movie for reals). Every time I watch a movie about battles and war- the only thing that i can think about is that in a time like that the one person I would want by my side, would be my sister. Sounds silly I know- but that's us. I used to think that the three of us (Lauren, my dad and I) were warriors whose battle was life. But now we are two and the battle got a little harder- but we are going to win. Cause damn we are strong- no seriously we are. Ask anyone....

I was thinking how many movies in the 90s were a little raw and less like how slick the movies look now- its not a huge difference but it is slightly noticeable. Or maybe it was me. Maybe I liked the raw movies that portrayed angst because thats how I felt at the time (mid-90s anyway).

I was watching Poetic Justice the other day (yes, again) and it brought back so many memories. Interestingly enough, this movie was made in 1992- in 1992 I was only 11. I think I saw it (when I was at least 14 or 15) at my dad's house because he had cable- which is very exciting for someone who wasn't allowed to watch MTV (well at leat I wasn't supposed to- which of course made me the music video queen that I am today). Like most John Singleton movies- Poetic Justice takes place in South Central LA- and at the time the LA riots had just happened. So there was some tension around that time but it only made the movie more real. I can't exactly explain why I love this movie other than it gave me hope. Hope that even if everyone you had ever loved was taken from you- you could still find love. Believe me- I hate love stories and mushiness- but Poetic Justice has none of the filler that sappy love stories have. I enjoy the real humor and the messiness of the characters lives and the overall performances of the cast.

If you haven't seen a John Singleton movie, I suggest you watch his first three films as I think they are the best ones- Boyz n the Hood, Poetic Justice, and Higher Learning. I think the thing that intrigues me about his movies are that he treats every character with a respect that most people in bad neighborhoods rarely receive in Hollywood. Usually urban people are treated as ghetto riff-raff or as sub-class humans, but in Singleton movies they are real people with good and bad points and highs and lows- they are who they are- everyone can relate to that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my other brother - Micah.... Always remember that you are "the best around, no one can ever get you down!"

Yeah I should have warned you that three out of four of my siblings have birthdays in February- not really sure how that happened. But once January ends February always comes with an onslaught of birthdays.

So Happy Birthday Micah- he is 24 and in two months I will be 24. I will let you all "talk amongst yourselves" about that....

If you haven't seen Coach Carter yet- you should get a move on it. Its a highly inspirational story that made me hopeful again. I though that the main song on the soundtrack captured the spirit of the movie perfectly- check out the lyrics to Hope by Twista and Faith Evans...

I wish the way I was living could stop, serving rocks,
Knowing the cops is hot when I'm on the block, And I
Wish my brother woulda made bail,
So I won't have to travel 6 hours to see him in jail, And I
Wish that my grandmother wasn't sick,
Or that we would just come up on some stacks and hit a lick, And I (I wish)
Wish my homies wouldn't have to suffer,
When the streets get the upper had on us and we lose a brother, And I
Wish I could go deep in a zone,
And lift the spirits of the world with the words with in this song, And I (I wish)
Wish I could teach a could teach a soul to fly,
Take away the pain out cha hands and help you hold them high, And I
Wish my hommie Butch was still alive
And on the day of his death we had never took that ride, And I (I wish)
Wish God could protect us from the wrong
So that all the solders that were sent over seas come home
We will never break, though they devastate, we shall motivate,
And we gotta pray, all we got is faith.
Instead of thinking about who gonna die to day,
The Lord is gonna help you feel better, so you ain't gotta cry today.
Sit at the light so long,
And then we gotta move straight forward, cuz we fight so strong,
So when right go wrong,
Just say a little prayer, get ya money man, life go on!!!
Let's HOPE!

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
cause we hopeful

Happy Birthday to my "tight like a tiger" little brother who turns 16 today! Crazy, that pretty soon I will be 24. That's just not right...

Why does MTV have the most obnoxious shows on and with that said- why do I watch them. I have theory that I watch them so I can complain to the tv. Yea- not really sure why- but I do nevertheless.

I watched the show Sweet 16- or whatever it was called and this girl on it was crazy spoiled. I mean she had everything and most of everything was tossed around her room. The girl got a Range Rover for her 16th birthday, two ugly dresses and a huge ass party that was themed Arabian Nights. Ewwww. And she had four guys from Loyola Marymount carry her into the dining room of the Four Seasons shirtless cause thats necessary. At the end of the night her dad wrote a check for a little over $200,000. I want my half an hour or hour (however long it was ) back.

Things are starting to happen with a big project. When I know for sure, I will let you know. I kinda lost my way on the project for a little bit- but like how I do with my paintings, I left it for awhile and came back with a new perspective and realized- its going to work. Damn, maybe I can do something big. Nah- scratch all that mess- its going to be good. I promise myself it will.

To Kin- Happy Birthday, girl. Hope you had a great day and a wonderful birthday week....

Most days I am happy. Most days I am too busy to think that much. That is the key. The truth is if I think too much I remember and if I remember then I hurt.

I remember that in October 2003 I lost my dad, my friend and maybe the one person that really understood me. Its like I have lost part of me and everyday I try to forget why I don't feel so whole. I hate to remember because its like opening a floodgate. I remember how we used to laugh and then I remember that fateful day and the numbing days after. I remember relatives coming for food and I remember serving countless pieces of pie and cups of coffee. I remember thinking "is this right?" "Is he really gone and can I follow?" Then something would snap me back to reality and there I was again telling someone that it would be alright and that it was his time and other inane things that are intended to soothe. But the one person I couldn't soothe was me. Its easier to forget about yourself and to focus on what you have to do to get through the day. I believe that attitude has carried for more than a year. But sometimes I grow weary mentally and when that happens the feelings I have locked up inside wash over me.

Sometimes I dread the night when it is quiet and all I do is think. I think that maybe I am being a big ass baby because I had my dad for awhile while others never knew who their dads were, and in light of the tsunami tragedy where families were ripped apart by a force of nature- I have nothing to complain about. So I don't. I swallow it and take it- cause I am strong and I take pride in my stregnth.

Except it doesn't work all the time. Like droplets of rain leading to a storm, little thoughts slip out one by one to a few chosen people. I say softly- "I miss my dad" or "he would have liked this." Or I even say to myself while looking up at the sky "what are you doing?", "are you coming now", "there is so much good music out right now." And even if there is no reply- I know he hears.

No one wants to be the "misery girl"- least alone me. I would never want people to pity me. Because what can they say- "I'm sorry" or "I know" or offer up an experience that they think is like yours. All of which provides a weird silence. So I tuck my lonliness away, cause I know I will talk to it later. It will come out later- when the night is quiet and when working people have gone to bed- I lay there and think.

Sometimes I think about how differently people deal with death. Some cry uncontrollably, some are grouchy, some close themselves off and don't deal with it. I deal with it every day and I know I am triumphant most of the time. But sometimes I get stuck in a rut like I have been for the last week or so. I have been going through the motions of work and life. I'm not sure if others can tell the difference. But while writing this I have realized that I am getting ready to pick myself up again. Life is cyclical and mine goes in a pattern of insane happiness and ambition to a dormancy period to a rebirth. I am starting that rebirth right now. And that makes me happy.

I just had to get out my funk (and I'm tired of relaying the same problems to friends and family- so I thought maybe writing it would have the same conclusion- which I think it has). Thanks for being patient. I hardly ever am. I want so much to get on with my life. It will take some time but I will. My dad always told me that every day is a new day and that all you have to do is try your best and treat people like you would want to be treated. I can honestly say that I have been trying dad...