October 2004 Archives

"Sometimes I feel like somebody's watching me.... and I have no privacy"- No not for reals, I just like that song by Rockwell and Michael Jackson. Good stuff though. For some reason it reminds me of Halloween (not sure why).

Just wanted to say a quick Happy Halloween!!!

I used to love Halloween as a kid. I loved getting dressed up- it was fun. I think I am all dressed out though. I can't seem to find any good ideas anymore. I do however want someone (it doesn't even have to be me) to be Carmen Miranda with fruit coming out of the basket on her head. Maybe one year I will do that.

Was anyone anything good for Halloween?

For the past couple of nights I have had really weird and disturbing dreams. I usually dream, so the fact that I remember my dreams is not a new thing for me. I also usually have nightmares but these dreams that I have had are not those. They are something esle- something almost like watching a movie and yet I am not upset. Interesting because I almost always feel my dreams and I usually have an emotion attached. But last night and the night before, I felt nothing. Just sadness when I woke up.

The dream I had last night had lots of color in it. I dreamt that I was being held captive by some almost albino type of people and they were going to cut me up (yeah, I have no idea where all of these ideas came from). So I was on a long table and they slashed my arm with an incredibly old knife and different colors of paint splashed out. Then when they cut my heart out, music played and more paint spurted out . But then they took out my heart and placed it in a pan and it stopped playing music and I died. But I could still see myself from above and it looked like I was blue (from the paint) and purple, fuschia and turquiose were dripping from my veins and eventually I disintegrated. And that was it. Really weird, I know. I am so tired of dying in my dreams and why did those people cut me up and why were they albino? I can still see that weird image of what should be blood dripping on the floor was actually paint. Weird. I really should get a book on dream interpretation- cause that mess was just too bizarre...

I had planned to do a million things last night. Like finish my brick wall and my desk and the vanity... (the list goes on). But alas, nothing got done. I got distracted by Tuesday TV night. I had to watch Gilmore Girls (sometimes, I talk fast like them too), Father of the Pride (who doesn't like Sigfried and Roy) and Scrubs (one of the best comedies on tv). They were all pretty funny and entertaining, but my favorite is Scrubs. If you haven't checked that show out- you really should. Highly amusing- I'm all about the sarcasm, man. Who knew I liked sarcasm! If I could I would be friends with all the characters, especially Zach Braff (J.D) and Donald Faison (Turk). Why can't they put the first season on DVD? Why? Why?

San Jose was nice this weekend. Tiny raindrops danced on our heads- there is something magical about dainty rain (good strolling weather- yea, I said strolling!). I forgot that I like Santa Cruz too. I like the eclectic downtown with interesting shops and good food. The last time I was in Santa Cruz was when I was fourteen so yeah, almost ten years ago (sad). I have to say that it has changed a lot. Soilies (hippy people) used to inhabit all of the downtown and there used to be a very real dirt layer there that provided enough reality to match the natural beauty of the place. I missed the soilies (not the patchouli stench though- I hate that smell!), there were a couple of groups but maybe they are a dying breed. I did hear a good quote on the street though. There was a group of black rag clad kids sitting next to the music store (thats where I would sit too) and as we walked by, a gravelly voiced girl was talking. She said, "I love that guy, but he's just such an asshole. But that's okay cause I am an asshole too." I thought it was funny... I guess you had to be there....

So, I have a secret that is in formation, but I am not sure if I want to share it with everyone yet. I am afraid that if I tell everyone and it falls through or doesn't work out then I will be left here- secretless. So for now lets just say I have a secret and I will get back to you later about it. Just had to say something about it...

Its still raining over here and the novelty hasn't worn off. I'm not really sure why- but rain makes me crazy happy. I am listening to cds at work and without consciously thinking about it, I have listened to my favorite rain Cds. They are in this order:

1. Outkast- Atliens
2. Maxwell Unplugged
3. Garden State Soundtrack
4. Tribe Called Quest
5. Keri Noble

I also compiled a short wish list (I may never get these things- its just better to list them so that I can stop obsessing about them)

1. Bose SoundDock Digital Music System- you can listen to your iPod without cords and other mess.

2. Napoleon Dynamite gear- they even have the moon boots- lol.

3. Kahala Cocktails To Go Set- who doesn't want to smell like a Pina Colada!

4. Pineapple Cilantro candles- They make you want to eat fresh pineapple

5. Timoko sheets- for some reason I am obsessed with sheets lately- I just got some from Ross so I should take this off my list!

I know, I know- I want too much stuff. But if I can't post my wishes where else can I put them. Good Times....

Yay rain!!!! Rain that washes away all of the dirt and grime and leaves you clean. I splashed in welcoming puddles this weekend and I felt a sigh of relief. See, I have always felt a little guilty for liking rain. Every since I was little I have loved the rythmic sound of drops of water from the sky and I used to tell everyone so. Until everytime I did, someone told me "Your dad doesn't work if it rains. So you shouldn't be so happy." So I kept my love for the rain inside and tried not to be so giddy when the forecast predicted showers. But it is different now and I am glad my dad doesn't have to deal with no work during rainy season. You can't pour concrete in the rain. So thankfully, he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. So he can enjoy the rain now. Truth be told- my dad loved the rain too. There is something refreshing about it...

This weekend I got a lot of work done on my dresser (yay- it's done and in my room) and I finally found a desk. Funny how I have been searching high and low for a desk and on Saturday I got up early and Grandma and I found a desk at a garage sale in 10 minutes. Very exciting I know- but it was only $20 and it is the exact same style and color as my dresser. You know I'm going to paint it though.

I am going to try to post pictures of new stuff soon....

Remember how I told you that I loved Def Poetry Jam- (hint- scroll down until you see the I Think I'm Going to Fall Over entry) see I told you I did. Anywayz, I found out yesterday through a very slow e-mail by Ticketmaster that Def Poetry Jam would be in LA on January 15th. I am crazy excited- I want to hear the lyrical and amazing spoken word poets that come. Besides I love Mos Def (note to self: he has a album out that I should cop).

I was thinking that I would be crazy excited if one of my favorite poets, Willie Perdomo would perform. So here's a little sample of his work.

123rd Street Rap- Willie Perdomo

on 123rd Street

I suggest you go out and get his book of poetry called Where a Nickel Costs a Dime- you won't be sorry.

This is Maya Angelou, who besides being a beautifully wise person and an amazing poet, she happens to be an Aries and shares my birthday too (so how can she not be cool). Below you can read a quote of hers. A friend of my mom gave us this quote and it just fits. This quote seems to speak to me like a familiar friend. Here's hoping that it does the same to you.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance, I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Check out my horoscope as foretold by Yahoo. Sometimes Yahoo amazes me with their insight- and sometimes not so much. But today they got it right.

Try to look at life through a wide-angle lens rather than a microscope. If there are too many unresolved details filling your mind, they probably don't matter. Stop second-guessing yourself and get on with what really matters. It's easy to see that optimism is the best medicine for whatever ails you. Look at the glass as half full instead of half empty. Seek out the company of people who will lift your spirits. Say yes to everything instead of no!

See, I have been focusing on too many things at once. I really do need to focus on the bigger picture. I have been worried lately because I love to create art but most times I don't think that my art is good enough for anyone to buy or even admire for more thana second. My ultimate goal is to have a boutique where I can sell my art work and other fun stuff as well as show case up and coming artists and have an ocassional opening and poetry reading. Thats it basically. And most of the time I work really hard towards that goal but for some reason I am doubting my abilities and my goals- but even if I am not that good at art it shouldn't really matter because it really does make me happy.

So I guess I will just continue with it and see where it takes me. Oh and I should have more things up pretty soon- as soon as I finish my room- arrrggghhhh....

Today was the day and it was sad but I love remembering my dad. We went to the beach in the morning and while we were remembering and saying payers a group of white doves flew over us and then the group perched above us and sat for the remainder of our stay. While I was sharing stories about dad, a lone dove circled above us and seemed to be a hello from him. This got me thinking about signs that we fail to see every day. In regards to my dad, there have been a lot of signs of his presence when he died and there continues to be.

My sister has noticed an imprint of a hand on her arm (this has happened the day after he died and earlier this week) that was impossible to do to herself (the imprint was the back of a hand and clearly shows the fingernails and it was the left hand while being on the left arm). Besides the fact that it stayed a for almost a whole day. We have concluded that it is either my dad's hand or an angel because of the circumstances.

I never see any physical signs of my dad but I do feel his presence from time to time. I think my dog Jazz does too because sometimes when we are watching tv in my room I leave the door open and i will see her look up sharply at the door. And usually my dog will bark when she is alarmed or hears a noise-but in those instances she looks up and wags her tail and then lays back down but her tail continues to wag. So it seems that I am never really alone even though I feel that I am often. Good to know...

I guess my point is that when I take the time to look there are signs everywhere. I just have to remember to pay attention and look...

This week has been a little hard for me because Thursday the 7th will mark the one year anniversary of my dad's death. Funny, I feel like it was yesterday and yet some things remain fuzzy. Hopefully, I will find something constructive to say on that day. But today isn't that day and all I can feel is sad. Sad that I haven't talked to him in a year to this date and sad that many things won't be. I found a poem that I wrote a few weeks after he died. At that time I would have given anything to go with him. I used to see accidents happening to me that would end it all- but these accidents never came and I am glad (honestly, most of the time I am). I am glad because I now know the pain of loosing someone close to you and I wouldn't want to contribute to that pain to my family needlessly.

If you called to me
I would jump
I would fall from the earth
down to a deep that I don't know
and i would wait for you to come
with my memories of you and me and my sister
we would laugh and you would lead me to a better place

for you to call
and then i will jump
to the deep that i don't know
and you will come get me
and we will laugh....

I am slowly renovating my room as you can probably tell from my previous posts. I am half way done with a long dresser- all it needs is some graffitti pictures on top and then a nice coat of polyurethane. Moe was over at my house yesterday and she told me that if I want to fit a vanity in my room ( I purchased in months ago with every intention of selling it- but I like it too much to part with it)- then I will have to get a smaller desk. But I am annoyed cause I don't want to get a new desk. It usually takes me forever to find something that I like. I am never satified with the mundane or standard. I can't even buy it unless it I love it- its not enough t o just like it- unless I have a plan to make it into something different or put a Jackie twist on it.

For once I would like to go into a store and buy something and not have to do anything to it (I realize that this is entirely my fault and burden- lol). Never satisfied- its a gift and a curse.... (lol)

Things that I am feeling-

1. K-os- Joyful Rebellion- keeping hip hop innovative- someone has to do it

2. Juanes- Un Dia Normal- rock en espanol

3. Shark Tale- the animation was tight and besides who doesn't like little tagger fishies

4. Disney paint colors at Home Depot- really bright, vibrant colors

5. iTunes- I just can't get over how addictive it is