"Everything that could have happened, but did not, is carried away by the winds forever" - Paulo Coelho in The Fifth Mountain.

4 years ago, I sat in my tiny room off of Sunset Boulevard and made a difficult decision. I had to leave everything I had worked for in California and go back to Singapore to start over. I knew that I had to do it, mostly because I was broke from paying all the doctors' fees and I would be homeless if I continued that way. People asked me to be stronger, to carry on, but this girl, at that time, was as strong as she could have been.

Coming back to Singapore was not a wrong decision. However, it was a temporary solution to my problems. Now, 4 years later, I'm sitting in my little room, off of Jalan Bukit Merah and I know I have to leave Singapore soon. I am also aware that I have to give up certain ambitions that I have become accustomed to, certain dreams that I have been dreaming. The only difference between now and 4 years ago and now is that I do not have a destination in mind and the world is in the deepest throes of financial disaster.

Wouldn't it be ironic if Yangonthu returned to Yangon? She is thinking about it. She's not sure she can really do it she is definitely thinking about it.

By the way, Moe y yo is no longer running on full steam - I think you've noticed it too.

Follow me on my sporadic tumblr posts at: http://yangonthu.tumblr.com/
But if you really want to know what I'm thinking, microblog with me at http://twitter.com/yangonthu

As I wipe sleep from my eyes
I try to eradicate my sense of failure.

As I reach out for my morning toast
I try not to remember the disgust in your voice.

As I walk into the humid corridor
I try to remember that most days I'm trying my best.

There is no talking about it.
There is no acting on it.
There are just a thousand solid walls
standing between us.

A thousand solid walls
that I crash into every time I think I've ran far enough.

These walls keep me awake at night
whispering to each other - laughing - trudging into my dreams

These walls they block my sunlight
there's no way I'll ever be green.

These walls that stand invisible for you
set invisible by you
seen as invisible by her
known to be invisible by everyone;
perhaps felt only by me.

Unless you let me go...
Could you let me go?
Please, let me go.

I got a Tumblr account last year but didn't really think of using it much. Then I started twittering alot. It was easy, just my moods and whims. I kinda lost touch with writing long blog posts. Also I've been really busy with work - I get home and I'm too tired to write.

So, I thought I'd take a tumbl instead. I don't know, we shall see which one I update more. Tumblr is more for short whimsical stuff I guess.

http://yangonthu.tumblr.com/

I think I must be made up of half whimsical girl and half comic book geek, for the movie Hellboy II: The Golden Army simply delighted me. Five minutes into the movie and I was already won over - quietly proclaiming my love yet again for Guillermo del Toro.

The movie had everything you could possibly want - a great story line, action scenes, beautiful people, philosophical questions on the human race and of course, the age old struggle of good vs. evil.

The movie's fairytale is rather reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings. Once upon a time, there co-existed in the world not only the Human race but Elves and other mystical creatures as well. However, men were born with a hole in their hearts, a hole so deep that nothing will satisfy his hunger for territory, power and greed. This very insatiable greed led the Elven king, King Balor to unleash his 70 x 70 clockwork army made of gold, fashioned to obey anyone who wore the golden crown and royal blood, upon the Human race. However, as the Golden Army had no soul, so loyalty, no regrets and no pain, the Elven King saw his mistake and broke the crown into 3 pieces and called for a truce with the Humans. This angered his son, Prince Nuada greatly and the prince exiled himself, vowing (I believe) to come back to claim what is rightfully his.

There the movie really begins, with the Prince delivering his officially seal of war upon the "empty (inside)" Upper East Siders of New York, ones who were just about to bid on a piece of the crown that would have power over the Golden Army. His gift to the clueless Humans - two cases of hungry tooth fairies.


The interactions between the Prince and Hellboy are interesting, as the Prince tries to persuade HellBoy to abandon the very humans that he has been protecting all his life, the humans who have no appreciation of his efforts. Hellboy's dilemma is clearly shown when he is caught between destroying an Elemental, a giver and destroyer of life, the very last one on earth that can save the earth with it's green, luscious life and the humans. Hellboy of course, does the "right" thing but comes to question if it really is the right thing to do after all.



Liz, the pyrotechnic love of Hellboy's life is at crossroads in life, as she tries to get used to being married to Hellboy, which she discovers is not so easy. She too will have to choose what is the "right" thing to do but it is apparent from the start that these two were meant for each other.

 

Hellboy's sidekick, aptly nicknamed Blue to his Red, falls in love with Princess Nuala, the twin of the Prince, the one on the run from him, with the last piece of the crown. There is a funny scene in the film where the super heroes mourn over their heartaches while listening to a love song.

What creeped me out a little though is the bond that exists between the princely twins. "Father always tried to keep my black heart away from you". But perhaps I say this, only as one who has never had a twin and does not know what it's like to know exactly what someone else is thinking and hurting when someone else has been physically hurt.

The prince was a barrel of pain, focused only on vengence, reclaiming earth to be as it once was, ignoring his sister's pleas that no forest could grow from all the bloodshed. It would be easy to think that the prince was at fault, that the prince was evil but to me, it is not so clear cut. I shed a tear, when the Prince is slained, not by Hellboy or an enemy but by the one that is closest to him. I know, I'm a big sucker.

I could go on and on about the beautiful angles the camera men took, the glow of certain creatures, the wonderful kick ass action sequences but I won't because you simply must go see it yourself.

Go on now. The Golden Army lies dormant......awaiting their rightful king/queen to send his/her orders.
.

We are so different, her and I, and yet I enjoy our outings because we laugh constantly and we are able to be the dour bitches that we really were to each other. Sure, we poked fun of each other but we poked fun of ourselves too.

 

We couldn’t have been more different and yet we were similar, empatico on issues that we faced in different lands that had resulted in the same.

 

I might want more from her, as I always do with friends. I want their constant attention on me and she might need more from me, like she always does, my constant attention on her.

 

We steal words, moments and talk about ourselves - each one vying to explain each life and sorrows, all the while laughing about it. Yet, through the rushed words, stolen time and laughter, we perfectly understand what the other one means.

 

Of course, as always, she happens to be more settled, be more with herself, and have more luck on her side than I do. But I’ve learned to look past that. Many Many Many people I meet usually have that going for them and it’s useless to wallow in self pity when it can be easily pointed out that I actually have it way better than most.

 

She’ll tell me I’m being such a sissy even writing about this.

 

I’m not, really, I’m a cynic – I’m waiting for the day that we are no longer friends – something I automatically do, because I’ve come to think that I can no longer have people for a long time, that things don’t last, that people leave you – because that’s what’s been so common in my life.

 

Boo hoo, I know.

 

I’m a bit numb currently – just how I prefer it. If I had my way, being numb would come with no consequences and I would be able to be numb from pain all the time. No such luck however – the throbbing, aching pain is a constant part of my life, keeping me awake through the night and keeping me company in the day during long work hours.

 

I wish for a lot of things. I do. I wish for peace, I wish for strength, I wish for courage, I wish for the pain to go away. I wish for intellectual capacity that would blow away my colleagues and make me a noble peace prize winner. I wish for clever witty words to flow out of my mouth, so I can be the wittiest person in any given conversation. I wish for my mother to understand me. I wish for my mother to be really truly happy. I wish my sister could have whatever she wanted. I wish I could stop feeling guilty. I wish I could tell the bitches that give me trouble at work that I hate their ugly asses. I wish that I could free the people of Burma. I wish I could truly love someone else without holding myself back. I wish I could find love that was unconditional. I wish I would stop seeing everything from everyone’s point of views. I wish that all the children in the world could retain their innocence a bit longer.

 

I wish, I wish. And I can tell her all these things. She laughs at me  but she gets it. I bitch back at her but I get it. Often we are awful for each other. I let her drink more than she should. She lets me talk more about myself than is healthy. We eat sugary foods and yet are vain about our looks constantly.

Sometimes, i think it's just good knowing that someone else is in the same boat as you, or a boat nearer to where you are than anyone else.

I wish I blogged more too. I miss interacting with my readers.

hugs and kisses,

Yangon Thu