Recently in Diary Category
We couldn’t have been more different and yet we were similar, empatico on issues that we faced in different lands that had resulted in the same.
I might want more from her, as I always do with friends. I want their constant attention on me and she might need more from me, like she always does, my constant attention on her.
We steal words, moments and talk about ourselves - each one vying to explain each life and sorrows, all the while laughing about it. Yet, through the rushed words, stolen time and laughter, we perfectly understand what the other one means.
Of course, as always, she happens to be more settled, be more with herself, and have more luck on her side than I do. But I’ve learned to look past that. Many Many Many people I meet usually have that going for them and it’s useless to wallow in self pity when it can be easily pointed out that I actually have it way better than most.
She’ll tell me I’m being such a sissy even writing about this.
I’m not, really, I’m a cynic – I’m waiting for the day that we are no longer friends – something I automatically do, because I’ve come to think that I can no longer have people for a long time, that things don’t last, that people leave you – because that’s what’s been so common in my life.
Boo hoo, I know.
I’m a bit numb currently – just how I prefer it. If I had my way, being numb would come with no consequences and I would be able to be numb from pain all the time. No such luck however – the throbbing, aching pain is a constant part of my life, keeping me awake through the night and keeping me company in the day during long work hours.
I wish for a lot of things. I do. I wish for peace, I wish
for strength, I wish for courage, I wish for the pain to go away. I wish for intellectual
capacity that would blow away my colleagues and make me a noble peace prize
winner. I wish for clever witty words to flow out of my mouth, so I can be the
wittiest person in any given conversation. I wish for my mother to understand
me. I wish for my mother to be really truly happy. I wish my sister could have whatever she wanted. I wish I could stop feeling
guilty. I wish I could tell the bitches that give me trouble at work that I
hate their ugly asses. I wish that I could free the people of
I wish, I wish. And I can tell her all these things. She
laughs at me but she gets it. I bitch
back at her but I get it. Often we are awful for each other. I let her drink more than she should. She lets me talk more about myself than is healthy. We eat sugary foods and yet are vain about our looks constantly.
Sometimes, i think it's just good knowing that someone else is in the same boat as you, or a boat nearer to where you are than anyone else.
I wish I blogged more too. I miss interacting with my readers.
Yangon Thu
I should have been expecting them. What was I thinking?
The crazy hours I've spent at work, the smoke filled air that I've been getting my oxygen from, the unreasonable amounts of all sorts of 80 proof liquids that have gone inside of me in the name of entertainment and boredom.
And yet, when they returned, the demons that always lurked behind me, with a vengeance - laughing, patting me on the head, throwing me about in the air for a bit of fun, all this while I shook and hid and feigned ignorance from their presence - I was still surprised. I always think that when they leave that they leave forever. But I am always wrong, every single time.
I couldn't hide. So I did what they wanted, I indulged them while trying to rein myself back into a field that would somehow comfort me, rather than chide me for my mistakes yet again.
What am I to do, however? What should I do about the life that I very much want to lead, the life that I very much need to lead, the life that I have been handed, while there are innocent children dying daily in my home country, in China, in Africa, in South America, in the world?
The fact that I am obsessed with trivial matters, that my insignificant worries and problems have nothing to do with the greater good that I want to achieve and the fact that I long to very much be an ignorant person. Again, that makes me feel guilty for who would wish that upon themselves, if they really wanted to achieve greater good in the world.
I am Jill's conscious - torn between the party and the good cause.
He knew after talking to me for 5 minutes that I kind of regret coming back here. He said he could tell, after talking to me for all of 10 minutes - from the way I said "I miss driving". I was petrified that my face was like an open book - that I wore a sign somewhere that revealed this secret that I fought to keep under wraps daily. If I hadn't been swayed by his looks, I was definitely swayed because he could see inside me, without me having to show it to him.
So I did what I always did best: I ran away from him and became engrossed in someone else who only wanted to tell me their problems and never saw inside of me.
Was trying to post a youtube video by fabulous singer Robyn in here but it won't show, so click on the link below instead.
Who's that Girl by Robyn
Good girls are pretty like all the time
I'm just pretty some of the time
(yeah)
Good girls are happy and satisfied
I won't stop asking until i die
(noooOOo)
I just can't deal with the rules
I can't take the pressure
It's got me saying Ooo yeah
Who's that girl? That you dream of
Who's that girl? That you think you love
Who's that girl? Well i'm nothing like her
I know there's no such girl
I swear I can't take the pressure
Who's that girl?
Good girls don't say no or ask you why
I won't let you love me, until
you really try (oh no)
Good girls are sexy like every day
I'm only sexy when i say it's ok
I just can't deal with the rules
I can't take the pressure
It's got me saying Ooo yeah
Who's that girl? That you dream of
Who's that girl? That you think you love
Who's that girl? What if I'm not like her
I know there's no such girl
I swear i can't take the pressure
Who's that girl?
Let's play a game that you never tried
You be the girl and I'll be the guy
Let's pretend everything has changed
and then would you love me any different
I just can't deal with the rules
I can't take the pressure (oh no)
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl? That you dream of
Who's that girl? That you think you love
Who's that girl? What if I'm nothing like her
I know there's no such girl
I swear I can't take the pressure
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
What, this is maybe the third time I've apologised and promised to blog more?. SIGH.
I'm so sorry.
Really. My life is so crazy busy nowadays that I don't even have time to answer twitter messages. LOL. (side note, follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/yangonthu)
Talking about busy, this phrase that my family members used to say comes to mind. It's rather crude but I'll say it anyway - "I'm so busy that I don't even have time to scratch my butt." Hahahaha.... And then another one - "I'm so busy I don't even have time to breathe."
I always thought the latter was so silly because breathing is such an intrinsic act that you don't even think about doing it. However, the other day, at work, I was so deep in my work that I realised that I was holding my breath. I just get so wrapped up in it, you know.
Right now, I'm writing because I'm feeling super anxious and stressed. This anxiety and stress comes at a time in my life where I feel as though I've gotten what I've been asking/wishing for. Finally I'm received some things that I've been fighting for, things which I believe that I deserve because of my perseverance, my foolhardiness, my relentless pursuit of a better life, eversince an event that occurred in my life that sent, my life as I knew it, into a tailspin.
But I'm a choker. I tend to choke before big performances (since about 6 years ago) and I freak out thinking that I won't be able to do the required. It's just that I have such high expectations of myself when it comes to work that I do. You see, I want everything to be perfect. I feel as though if I weren't perfect, I wouldn't be loved, appreciated and all that. And to top that off, I'm very competitive. Even in Pilates class, I will look around and go, "see, I'm doing the poses better than the other people."
I'm like Ricky Bobby, I want to be No. 1 all the time. "If you ain't first, you're last, Bitch!"
Yes, yes, I do realise I have issues. What to do!?!
So, I have a 3 month probationary period at the new job and I'm freaking out because I don't think I can hang. OR more likely, I'm freaking out because I don't think my body will be able to hang from all the stress I'm putting on it. But the thing is that it's like the Nike slogan you know, I just have to DO it. I have to have faith. I have to trust my abilities and not think that a minor mistake is going to unravel everything that I've worked so hard to get. It's just that Fu*k! I've been working my butt off to get to where I am, you know and people who have it easier than me will never get it but the last 6 years have been ONE big roller coaster ride and I just want to cruise right now.
But the thing is, it's not the end of the world, is it? I'm a survivor. Always been, always will and whatever that comes my way, I will be able to handle it. I will not only handle it but I'll own it! Own it! lol.
Baby steps, baby steps, I need to learn how to breathe........
I'd promise to blog more but I'm not even sure this blog will be kept on. It's been exactly 4 years since I started blogging here and I've shared my heart and soul with you guys (some posts have been taken down to protect my family, friends and me). but my life is super complicated and from here on, it definitely looks as though I cannot share everything I want with you anymore.
I might be just keeping the tone low key or I might be starting a password protected blog. Details will come soon.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. Please send prayers to those who suffered from the Cyclone's wrath in Burma.
Peace and love..........
Dear Dad,
I've been writing this in my head for ages, writing down everything that I want to say to you but I haven't somehow been able to put it into words. Sometimes, my thoughts and imaginations are bigger than me, you know.
It's been almost 2 years since you left us and even though I no longer feel like I'm walking in a fog... things still feel unreal sometimes. When I go shopping and see clothes you might like, I still want to buy them for you or when I see stairs in a place that you might frequent, I want to tell you to be careful or when I forget how to cook a certain dish that you used to cook for me, it makes me want to cry thinking about how I never really had a chance to take care of you and how it was always you taking care of me. And even when people ask me about when I might get married, I don't think about who I might marry, I think about the fact that you won't be there. Sometimes remorse hits me from no where and I'll be blindsided and I'll think about everything that's gone wrong in our lives and I'll get swept under in those emotions. But I guess it's a process that you go through as you get older.
I want you to know dad that I kept that promise I made to you that day that I was spreading your ashes in the river. I think we are a little bit better off for having done that. However, I think you will understand when I tell you that due to circumstances, I am not able to fully pursue this promise full time. I know you understand, because I am like you and we are always caught in the current pulling us from both sides.
As someone growing up in 3 different countries, I spent most of my like trying to fit into people's ideals of who I should be. It gets a little tiring and the other day I realised that who I was - was a lot like you. But that might not be necessarily good for either of us. haha. For example, I think we are too naive sometimes. We always want to see the best in people. I think we do that as a way of dealing with all the negativity in the world, you know and sometimes people just aren't the best of themselves and I find myself to be befuddled by their actions.
I've seen how you can get carried away in your intentions and best wishes and I think for me, I'm trying to live in a way where I won't get carried away and be swamped by expectations, loyalty and some other factors.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try to do right by you. I try to do right by who you were, who you wanted to be, who you wanted me to be and how you wished things could be. I try to do right by you to the best of my abilities. Sometimes it doesn't always work but I guess what is important is that I try.
I have so many questions that nobody seems to be able to answer or willing to answer. I always knew you as my dad but I also want to know you as a person, who are you besides father, husband and brother, among others? I mean why won't anyone tell me how you lived as a child (I know it was a hard life) or who were the influencing factors in your life or how you got to be the way you are, you know.
Some people want to know why I want to know these things? Well, that's me, isn't it? I am always the one wanting to get to the bottom of things, wanting to know explicit causes and outcomes - I've always been the curious one. You probably already knew that but other people don't get it. I don't know, what's there to get anyway, that's just who I am.
You know, in Burmese culture (or maybe it's just us, our family), everything is so hidden and everything is so taboo and everything is not to be talked about and for me, it's not easy, especially since I'm not just Burmese, I'm kind of international in cultures. I just wish that I could ask you all the questions that I have.
Perhaps it's better to not know certain things. I will not lie and say that because I am ignorant of certain factors, the ignorance means that life is not that much more complicated than it could be.
I saw one of your friends the other day. Life has caught up with him too and I can literally feel that his life force has been rather sucked out from him. He looked so tired and worn down. In a way, I'm happy that you didn't get to be so worn down by life before you moved on.
I hope you are at peace, where ever you are dad. I miss you daily and again, I want to tell you that I try to do right by you and I want to live a life that you wanted to but in my own ways. I hope that makes sense. Everyone misses you and your smiles, dad.
-Thamee lay
