I've been lost, I've been found, I've been fooling around...I've been hold, I've been told, I've been changing my mind
.
I should have been expecting them. What was I thinking?
The crazy hours I've spent at work, the smoke filled air that I've been getting my oxygen from, the unreasonable amounts of all sorts of 80 proof liquids that have gone inside of me in the name of entertainment and boredom.
And yet, when they returned, the demons that always lurked behind me, with a vengeance - laughing, patting me on the head, throwing me about in the air for a bit of fun, all this while I shook and hid and feigned ignorance from their presence - I was still surprised. I always think that when they leave that they leave forever. But I am always wrong, every single time.
I couldn't hide. So I did what they wanted, I indulged them while trying to rein myself back into a field that would somehow comfort me, rather than chide me for my mistakes yet again.
What am I to do, however? What should I do about the life that I very much want to lead, the life that I very much need to lead, the life that I have been handed, while there are innocent children dying daily in my home country, in China, in Africa, in South America, in the world?
The fact that I am obsessed with trivial matters, that my insignificant worries and problems have nothing to do with the greater good that I want to achieve and the fact that I long to very much be an ignorant person. Again, that makes me feel guilty for who would wish that upon themselves, if they really wanted to achieve greater good in the world.
I am Jill's conscious - torn between the party and the good cause.
I should have been expecting them. What was I thinking?
The crazy hours I've spent at work, the smoke filled air that I've been getting my oxygen from, the unreasonable amounts of all sorts of 80 proof liquids that have gone inside of me in the name of entertainment and boredom.
And yet, when they returned, the demons that always lurked behind me, with a vengeance - laughing, patting me on the head, throwing me about in the air for a bit of fun, all this while I shook and hid and feigned ignorance from their presence - I was still surprised. I always think that when they leave that they leave forever. But I am always wrong, every single time.
I couldn't hide. So I did what they wanted, I indulged them while trying to rein myself back into a field that would somehow comfort me, rather than chide me for my mistakes yet again.
What am I to do, however? What should I do about the life that I very much want to lead, the life that I very much need to lead, the life that I have been handed, while there are innocent children dying daily in my home country, in China, in Africa, in South America, in the world?
The fact that I am obsessed with trivial matters, that my insignificant worries and problems have nothing to do with the greater good that I want to achieve and the fact that I long to very much be an ignorant person. Again, that makes me feel guilty for who would wish that upon themselves, if they really wanted to achieve greater good in the world.
I am Jill's conscious - torn between the party and the good cause.
I did the only thing I
could think of to quiet down the demons inside me. And of course, it
reminded me of B. 4 years on, I wonder if she ever realises that she
still haunts me. And I'm suddenly sorry that I hadn't been a better
friend, or a worse enemy - that, I hadn't been outspoken in my choice
for friendship vs total obliteration.
B was the kind of beautiful white girl who wanted to be a minority. She wanted to be curvy like a minority, she wanted to have a cause to be angry about, she wanted a tan that she could never achieve and while she had been happy to be poor like the rest of us, when her trust fund kicked in, B was like every other happy shopper and who could blame her.
I'm still unclear as to what I had done to cause B's complete desertion of me. I'm still unclear as to if we would still even be friends today if she hadn't. How did I end up talking about B? I'm not sure... I just need to write.
Maybe I've been thinking about B because I've been thinking about someone else. Sometimes, my thoughts connect so quick, it's hard for me to keep track of how my mind really got there.
I would blog about that someone else but no, I'm not going to.
What else should I ramble on to? My demons need to be distracted - they are not above wanting to scream out loud yet.
Maybe poetry would help? I'll try it.
B was the kind of beautiful white girl who wanted to be a minority. She wanted to be curvy like a minority, she wanted to have a cause to be angry about, she wanted a tan that she could never achieve and while she had been happy to be poor like the rest of us, when her trust fund kicked in, B was like every other happy shopper and who could blame her.
I'm still unclear as to what I had done to cause B's complete desertion of me. I'm still unclear as to if we would still even be friends today if she hadn't. How did I end up talking about B? I'm not sure... I just need to write.
Maybe I've been thinking about B because I've been thinking about someone else. Sometimes, my thoughts connect so quick, it's hard for me to keep track of how my mind really got there.
I would blog about that someone else but no, I'm not going to.
What else should I ramble on to? My demons need to be distracted - they are not above wanting to scream out loud yet.
Maybe poetry would help? I'll try it.
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