I've done things you've only dreamt about, more than once or twice, it keeps me up at night.

Dear Dad,

I've been writing this in my head for ages, writing down everything that I want to say to you but I haven't somehow been able to put it into words. Sometimes, my thoughts and imaginations are bigger than me, you know.

It's been almost 2 years since you left us and even though I no longer feel like I'm walking in a fog... things still feel unreal sometimes. When I go shopping and see clothes you might like, I still want to buy them for you or when I see stairs in a place that you might frequent, I want to tell you to be careful or when I forget how to cook a certain dish that you used to cook for me, it makes me want to cry thinking about how I never really had a chance to take care of you and how it was always you taking care of me. And even when people ask me about when I might get married, I don't think about who I might marry, I think about the fact that you won't be there. Sometimes remorse hits me from no where and I'll be blindsided and I'll think about everything that's gone wrong in our lives and I'll get swept under in those emotions. But I guess it's a process that you go through as you get older.

I want you to know dad that I kept that promise I made to you that day that I was spreading your ashes in the river. I think we are a little bit better off for having done that. However, I think you will understand when I tell you that due to circumstances, I am not able to fully pursue this promise full time. I know you understand,  because I am like you and we are always caught in the current pulling us from both sides.

As someone growing up in 3 different countries, I spent most of my like trying to fit into people's ideals of who I should be. It gets a little tiring and the other day I realised that who I was - was a lot like you. But that might not be necessarily good for either of us. haha. For example, I think we are too naive sometimes. We always want to see the best in people. I think we do that as a way of dealing with all the negativity in the world, you know and sometimes people just aren't the best of themselves and I find myself to be befuddled by their actions.

I've seen how you can get carried away in your intentions and best wishes and I think for me, I'm trying to live in a way where I won't get carried away and be swamped by expectations, loyalty and some other factors.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try to do right by you. I try to do right by who you were, who you wanted to be, who you wanted me to be and how you wished things could be. I try to do right by you to the best of my abilities. Sometimes it doesn't always work but I guess what is important is that I try.

I have so many questions that nobody seems to be able to answer or willing to answer. I always knew you as my dad but I also want to know you as a person, who are you besides father, husband and brother, among others? I mean why won't anyone tell me how you lived as a child (I know it was a hard life) or who were the influencing factors in your life or how you got to be the way you are, you know.

Some people want to know why I want to know these things? Well, that's me, isn't it? I am always the one wanting to get to the bottom of things, wanting to know explicit causes and outcomes - I've always been the curious one. You probably already knew that but other people don't get it. I don't know, what's there to get anyway, that's just who I am.

You know, in Burmese culture (or maybe it's just us, our family), everything is so hidden and everything is so taboo and everything is not to be talked about and for me, it's not easy, especially since I'm not just Burmese, I'm kind of international in cultures. I just wish that I could ask you all the questions that I have.

Perhaps it's better to not know certain things. I will not lie and say that because I am ignorant of certain factors, the ignorance means that life is not that much more complicated than it could be.

I saw one of your friends the other day. Life has caught up with him too and I can literally feel that his life force has been rather sucked out from him. He looked so tired and worn down. In a way, I'm happy that you didn't get to be so worn down by life before you moved on.


I hope you are at peace, where ever you are dad. I miss you daily and again, I want to tell you that I try to do right by you and I want to live a life that you wanted to but in my own ways. I hope that makes sense. Everyone misses you and your smiles, dad.

-Thamee lay