May 2008 Archives
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I should have been expecting them. What was I thinking?
The crazy hours I've spent at work, the smoke filled air that I've been getting my oxygen from, the unreasonable amounts of all sorts of 80 proof liquids that have gone inside of me in the name of entertainment and boredom.
And yet, when they returned, the demons that always lurked behind me, with a vengeance - laughing, patting me on the head, throwing me about in the air for a bit of fun, all this while I shook and hid and feigned ignorance from their presence - I was still surprised. I always think that when they leave that they leave forever. But I am always wrong, every single time.
I couldn't hide. So I did what they wanted, I indulged them while trying to rein myself back into a field that would somehow comfort me, rather than chide me for my mistakes yet again.
What am I to do, however? What should I do about the life that I very much want to lead, the life that I very much need to lead, the life that I have been handed, while there are innocent children dying daily in my home country, in China, in Africa, in South America, in the world?
The fact that I am obsessed with trivial matters, that my insignificant worries and problems have nothing to do with the greater good that I want to achieve and the fact that I long to very much be an ignorant person. Again, that makes me feel guilty for who would wish that upon themselves, if they really wanted to achieve greater good in the world.
I am Jill's conscious - torn between the party and the good cause.
I should have been expecting them. What was I thinking?
The crazy hours I've spent at work, the smoke filled air that I've been getting my oxygen from, the unreasonable amounts of all sorts of 80 proof liquids that have gone inside of me in the name of entertainment and boredom.
And yet, when they returned, the demons that always lurked behind me, with a vengeance - laughing, patting me on the head, throwing me about in the air for a bit of fun, all this while I shook and hid and feigned ignorance from their presence - I was still surprised. I always think that when they leave that they leave forever. But I am always wrong, every single time.
I couldn't hide. So I did what they wanted, I indulged them while trying to rein myself back into a field that would somehow comfort me, rather than chide me for my mistakes yet again.
What am I to do, however? What should I do about the life that I very much want to lead, the life that I very much need to lead, the life that I have been handed, while there are innocent children dying daily in my home country, in China, in Africa, in South America, in the world?
The fact that I am obsessed with trivial matters, that my insignificant worries and problems have nothing to do with the greater good that I want to achieve and the fact that I long to very much be an ignorant person. Again, that makes me feel guilty for who would wish that upon themselves, if they really wanted to achieve greater good in the world.
I am Jill's conscious - torn between the party and the good cause.
He knew after talking to me for 5 minutes that I kind of regret coming back here. He said he could tell, after talking to me for all of 10 minutes - from the way I said "I miss driving". I was petrified that my face was like an open book - that I wore a sign somewhere that revealed this secret that I fought to keep under wraps daily. If I hadn't been swayed by his looks, I was definitely swayed because he could see inside me, without me having to show it to him.
So I did what I always did best: I ran away from him and became engrossed in someone else who only wanted to tell me their problems and never saw inside of me.
Was trying to post a youtube video by fabulous singer Robyn in here but it won't show, so click on the link below instead.
Who's that Girl by Robyn
Good girls are pretty like all the time
I'm just pretty some of the time
(yeah)
Good girls are happy and satisfied
I won't stop asking until i die
(noooOOo)
I just can't deal with the rules
I can't take the pressure
It's got me saying Ooo yeah
Who's that girl? That you dream of
Who's that girl? That you think you love
Who's that girl? Well i'm nothing like her
I know there's no such girl
I swear I can't take the pressure
Who's that girl?
Good girls don't say no or ask you why
I won't let you love me, until
you really try (oh no)
Good girls are sexy like every day
I'm only sexy when i say it's ok
I just can't deal with the rules
I can't take the pressure
It's got me saying Ooo yeah
Who's that girl? That you dream of
Who's that girl? That you think you love
Who's that girl? What if I'm not like her
I know there's no such girl
I swear i can't take the pressure
Who's that girl?
Let's play a game that you never tried
You be the girl and I'll be the guy
Let's pretend everything has changed
and then would you love me any different
I just can't deal with the rules
I can't take the pressure (oh no)
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl? That you dream of
Who's that girl? That you think you love
Who's that girl? What if I'm nothing like her
I know there's no such girl
I swear I can't take the pressure
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
Have I apologised for neglecting my blogs yet?
What, this is maybe the third time I've apologised and promised to blog more?. SIGH.
I'm so sorry.
Really. My life is so crazy busy nowadays that I don't even have time to answer twitter messages. LOL. (side note, follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/yangonthu)
Talking about busy, this phrase that my family members used to say comes to mind. It's rather crude but I'll say it anyway - "I'm so busy that I don't even have time to scratch my butt." Hahahaha.... And then another one - "I'm so busy I don't even have time to breathe."
I always thought the latter was so silly because breathing is such an intrinsic act that you don't even think about doing it. However, the other day, at work, I was so deep in my work that I realised that I was holding my breath. I just get so wrapped up in it, you know.
Right now, I'm writing because I'm feeling super anxious and stressed. This anxiety and stress comes at a time in my life where I feel as though I've gotten what I've been asking/wishing for. Finally I'm received some things that I've been fighting for, things which I believe that I deserve because of my perseverance, my foolhardiness, my relentless pursuit of a better life, eversince an event that occurred in my life that sent, my life as I knew it, into a tailspin.
But I'm a choker. I tend to choke before big performances (since about 6 years ago) and I freak out thinking that I won't be able to do the required. It's just that I have such high expectations of myself when it comes to work that I do. You see, I want everything to be perfect. I feel as though if I weren't perfect, I wouldn't be loved, appreciated and all that. And to top that off, I'm very competitive. Even in Pilates class, I will look around and go, "see, I'm doing the poses better than the other people."
I'm like Ricky Bobby, I want to be No. 1 all the time. "If you ain't first, you're last, Bitch!"
Yes, yes, I do realise I have issues. What to do!?!
So, I have a 3 month probationary period at the new job and I'm freaking out because I don't think I can hang. OR more likely, I'm freaking out because I don't think my body will be able to hang from all the stress I'm putting on it. But the thing is that it's like the Nike slogan you know, I just have to DO it. I have to have faith. I have to trust my abilities and not think that a minor mistake is going to unravel everything that I've worked so hard to get. It's just that Fu*k! I've been working my butt off to get to where I am, you know and people who have it easier than me will never get it but the last 6 years have been ONE big roller coaster ride and I just want to cruise right now.
But the thing is, it's not the end of the world, is it? I'm a survivor. Always been, always will and whatever that comes my way, I will be able to handle it. I will not only handle it but I'll own it! Own it! lol.
Baby steps, baby steps, I need to learn how to breathe........
I'd promise to blog more but I'm not even sure this blog will be kept on. It's been exactly 4 years since I started blogging here and I've shared my heart and soul with you guys (some posts have been taken down to protect my family, friends and me). but my life is super complicated and from here on, it definitely looks as though I cannot share everything I want with you anymore.
I might be just keeping the tone low key or I might be starting a password protected blog. Details will come soon.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. Please send prayers to those who suffered from the Cyclone's wrath in Burma.
Peace and love..........
What, this is maybe the third time I've apologised and promised to blog more?. SIGH.
I'm so sorry.
Really. My life is so crazy busy nowadays that I don't even have time to answer twitter messages. LOL. (side note, follow me on twitter at www.twitter.com/yangonthu)
Talking about busy, this phrase that my family members used to say comes to mind. It's rather crude but I'll say it anyway - "I'm so busy that I don't even have time to scratch my butt." Hahahaha.... And then another one - "I'm so busy I don't even have time to breathe."
I always thought the latter was so silly because breathing is such an intrinsic act that you don't even think about doing it. However, the other day, at work, I was so deep in my work that I realised that I was holding my breath. I just get so wrapped up in it, you know.
Right now, I'm writing because I'm feeling super anxious and stressed. This anxiety and stress comes at a time in my life where I feel as though I've gotten what I've been asking/wishing for. Finally I'm received some things that I've been fighting for, things which I believe that I deserve because of my perseverance, my foolhardiness, my relentless pursuit of a better life, eversince an event that occurred in my life that sent, my life as I knew it, into a tailspin.
But I'm a choker. I tend to choke before big performances (since about 6 years ago) and I freak out thinking that I won't be able to do the required. It's just that I have such high expectations of myself when it comes to work that I do. You see, I want everything to be perfect. I feel as though if I weren't perfect, I wouldn't be loved, appreciated and all that. And to top that off, I'm very competitive. Even in Pilates class, I will look around and go, "see, I'm doing the poses better than the other people."
I'm like Ricky Bobby, I want to be No. 1 all the time. "If you ain't first, you're last, Bitch!"
Yes, yes, I do realise I have issues. What to do!?!
So, I have a 3 month probationary period at the new job and I'm freaking out because I don't think I can hang. OR more likely, I'm freaking out because I don't think my body will be able to hang from all the stress I'm putting on it. But the thing is that it's like the Nike slogan you know, I just have to DO it. I have to have faith. I have to trust my abilities and not think that a minor mistake is going to unravel everything that I've worked so hard to get. It's just that Fu*k! I've been working my butt off to get to where I am, you know and people who have it easier than me will never get it but the last 6 years have been ONE big roller coaster ride and I just want to cruise right now.
But the thing is, it's not the end of the world, is it? I'm a survivor. Always been, always will and whatever that comes my way, I will be able to handle it. I will not only handle it but I'll own it! Own it! lol.
Baby steps, baby steps, I need to learn how to breathe........
I'd promise to blog more but I'm not even sure this blog will be kept on. It's been exactly 4 years since I started blogging here and I've shared my heart and soul with you guys (some posts have been taken down to protect my family, friends and me). but my life is super complicated and from here on, it definitely looks as though I cannot share everything I want with you anymore.
I might be just keeping the tone low key or I might be starting a password protected blog. Details will come soon.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. Please send prayers to those who suffered from the Cyclone's wrath in Burma.
Peace and love..........
Source
A cyclone named Nargis hit Rangoon yesterday and the death toll is apparently around 240. :(
A state of emergency has been declared in parts of Burma with the airport closed and TV stations shut down.
Thank goodness, my family is fine. I hope your family and friends are doing fine too. Sigh.
Anyone knows how we can donate money to the people who are in need in Burma?
Update: MMhan just twittered that we can send donations via a shop named Lin Let (on the 2nd floor) at the Peninsula Plaza in Singapore.
A cyclone named Nargis hit Rangoon yesterday and the death toll is apparently around 240. :(
A state of emergency has been declared in parts of Burma with the airport closed and TV stations shut down.
Thank goodness, my family is fine. I hope your family and friends are doing fine too. Sigh.
Anyone knows how we can donate money to the people who are in need in Burma?
Update: MMhan just twittered that we can send donations via a shop named Lin Let (on the 2nd floor) at the Peninsula Plaza in Singapore.
