November 2005 Archives

Shells

Quite a few things shocked me this week.

1) saw a woman in the elevator - covered from head to toe - wearing all black. I'm used to seeing woman with headscarves - I live in Singapore. But this lady, she was under a shroud of blackness, not even her eyes were seen and she was wearing a body stocking. I tried not to stare but because she was all hidden from me and i couldn't even see the shape of her body, I wanted to know, I wanted to ask: "Who are you? , what do you like to do? what kind of music do you like? & what are your aspirations? how do you cope with the Singapore weather and wearing dark clothes from head to toe? Does it affect your vision because your eyes are covered by a layer of cloth? does it get hard to breathe? Do you like it? Do you feel free because you wear that, as people can't look at you, see you for who you really are? Do you want to wear bright colors sometimes? Do you think lowly of women like me, who wear skirts and a tank top? You look like you appreciate art - tell me you favorite artist.
The woman was holding the hands of a little girl and I glanced down at the little girl and if that little girl was her daughter, I knew that lady must have been gorgeous too, because that little girl was flawless.

2) Some girl spent her 13th Bat Mitzvah with Ja Rule and Ashanti. That's cool, I guess, hey, whatever. But the thing is, her parents spent half a million dollars on the party. Dude, there are starving children all over the world, some in the United States of America, where you live.
maybe I'm just hating coz I never get to have a Bat Mitzvah.

3) There is a ton of Burmese people in Torrance, CA. And the kids - most of them younger than my generation - are all into hip hop, etc - which I think is cool - they have a little Burmese American thing going on, I can tell. But I was looking at this girl's website and she is 15. She was posing like she was on Play boy, all 50 pictures of her. And I was sitting there, looking at her scantily clad clothes that she wore to parties - wow - did I do that when I was living in Torrance, California? - Dude, but I was 21 then - this girl is 15! 15! I didn't know what to do, or think. I wanted to cover her up and tell her, dude, you got to respect yourself. Then I thought, maybe this girl is way tougher than I think she is, maybe all this posing like she wants to be playmate 2009, is just a phase, a msk. And being a mass comm major, of course, I was thinking, what has the media done to the image of the young women of today, that at 15, they feel that they need to be like Pamela Anderson to look ok?

Of course, #3 is total opposite from #1. I wonder who feels free-er, who has more self esteem, and who is living life to the fullest.

Aung San Suu Kyi - Now 60 - still kept under house arrest by the Military junta in Burma.

Today, the Burmese military junta extended the house arrest of Aung San Suu Kyi - who has been under various forms of house arrest since 1989 (meaning - they kept saying they have released her on various occasions to the general public but refused to let her give speeches, visit another city, etc).

I went by her house the last time I was in Yangon and everything was so dilapitaded that I was shocked. I shouldn't be shocked, after all, here is a woman, who is forced to sell all the furniture in her house so that she can survive.

I hear her youngest son is married and has a child now. I wish nothing but the best for this woman, who for the longest time have been the sole symbol of democracy when I think about Burma.

I have listened to some foreigners discuss Burmese politics and I hav listened to corrupt Burmese officials discuss politics and I know they don't support ASSK as having her would mean having a complete overhaul of some sorts. But I want to say - I know a complete overhaul is hard for everyone, especially since I'm not the one who is going to be going through the complete overhaul. BUT - to contiue to be good friends with the military government is only like continuing to dig your own graves and the graves of thousands of others that they rape and kill.

In and Out Burger - SUnset Blvd, Los Angeles.

Oh "In and Out" Burger, how much do I miss thee?

What I'm reading: "What Buddha Taught" - It's a really good book. I was given this book years and years ago. Just when I nearly lost it, then did I realize that it was so great. I have to read it more thoroughly.
: They Thyroid Solution by Ridha Arem: It's revolutionary. First book I've read that actually gives me hope that I'm not crazy - that what I've been through is real - not just in my head.

What I'm listening to: I thought "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas was cheesy when I first heard it - and of course, now it's stuck in my head.

New Toy: Motorola e680i - took me a week to get used to it. Besides the heaviness factor, I'm glad work gave me that phone - wish I could use the IM, etc though - they won't let me use IM or email on the phone.
Now, if I only had time to put Mp3s into it, then my commute to work wouldn't be so bad.

New sensations: I'm sleepier than sleepy. Fridays are the worse. Oh wait, I think I've always been sleepy - now it's just worse.

What I'm missing: Thanksgiving. It's so weird - I even missed Halloween.

New Epiphany: I always thought I don't belong anywhere but I've realized that I belong everywhere - I'm like the Chameleon. HAHAHA

What I do not like: People listening to LOUD bad music very very close to me. Dude, keep your music o yourself, you're in my space.

I just talked to my relative again about the pending move of all/ most Burmese government offices from the BUrmese capital Yangon to Pyinmana (a not so developed town that's by a highway, roughly 600 km north of YGN).

She has put in her letter of resignation. But like all things in Burma, that has to do with the government, trying to resign from your government job, is highly difficult.

She told me of how she begged her superiors that if she didn't stay in Yangon, there will be no one to take care of her mother, how, it is just cruel. That she has to resign, she has no choice.

They are not letting her go. Although she is sure that her superior is nice and that he will grant it.

But I remind her that her superior probably has to answer to higher ups - and if higher ups in the military say NO, she can't quit - what is my relative to do?

I wanted to tell her, I told you to quit 9 years ago but I don't, because she loved her job, the people at her work that she gets to help and she loved being efficient and she loved that at least she earned some money.

My relative told tales of how last week and this Monday, without warning, the military just carted off some offices to Pyinmana, with people, only having the clohes on their backs, and how there's no water supply in Pyinmana, so they have to go to a well or a river or something, and that the officers sent the women back, due to this.

She also told me how 1 friend who was also a Burmese government civil servent and he came to our house to ask for some money because he didn't have any money to leave his two young daughters, who happen to be motherless.

I listened i horrified silence as she told me all this.

She began crying again as she asked me to pray for her and her mom.

I tell her that I pray. I pray all the time, I pray for everyone because praying is all I can do.

She cries harder.

I hear my heart break as I listen to her cry and I try to say soothing things.

I was forever missing my family since I left Burma.

And then I was trying to bring them all abroad so they can have what I have.
But sometimes I forget that I'm still young and that it's hard and that it takes time...

and that you have to give up somethings, so you can have others.... this applies to everyone.. just that for some of us, it means you have to leave your family, and if you are lucky, the leaving is only temporary.

I was leisurely eating my Subway Sandwich around noon today, looking at many passers-by, generally checking out for cute guys and cute clothes and accessories on girls; as I half listened and watched Bloomberg News interviewing a really rich Japanese Businessman, on my lunch break from work, when my cell phone rang and informed me that it was an overseas call.

My cell phone rarely does that, oweing to the fact that I generally have poor friends and family scatered all over the world who don't usually call me.

So, I almost threw away my Subway Sandwich in scrambling in answering my mobile.

It was a relative of mine, whom I usually called; either because I was sick and wanted to talk to someone who loved me unconditionally or because it cost her more to call me. so she couldn't.

She was crying. Hearing her cry made me want to throw up my yet to be digested sandwich, which wasn't very good, anyway.

Once she said it was about work, I knew what it was. I knew it but I let her tell me.

She told me that her company, being owned by the government, is going to have to move to Pyinnmana, as it was a mandate of the geovernment, in its "process to gain democracy for Myanmar".

It was a load of crap.

The Burmese government wanted to move the capital of Myanmar from Yangon to Pyinnmana. Therefore, they were making all the government offices move there.

Pyinnmana was about 600 kilometers away (=370 miles) from Yangon).

My relative was crying because she can't move to Pyinnmana. What is her 84 year old mother going to do, when she has to work in Pyinnmana? Where are they going to live? There are no good hospitals in Pyinnmana. There barely has been any good hospitals in Yangon in the last decade.

I tried not to cry because it was my first day at work. I try not to cry because if I cried, it would make her worse.

I tell her to quit. I tell her I'll send her the 10 dollars she earns working for the governement monthly. My mother already supports them anyway, as Burmese money has come to mean little to nothing with inflation prices reaching more than 10 fold just during the last month.

She asked me how can she quit? What will everone say then, because she won't have a job. I didn't know what to say because for the first 15 years that she was working, government servants were the luckiest ones. But it has slowly turned to be a worthless job that you couldn't survive on if you weren't somehow corrupt or had other sources of income.

I try to tell her that the namesake and saving face meant nothing when what she really needed to do was be by her mother's side.

She cried harder. She told me somethings about the family situation that I cannot repeat here.

I sighed heavily, looking at my half eaten sandwich.

She then told me she had to go for a meeting before lunch and she had to get ready for it and thank you for listening and asked me how I was.

I said I was ok, definitely doing better than she was.

I then really realized that I was in better shape and form, no matter how depressing I thought my situation was.

I've been back from Burma for a couple of days.

There's a hole inside my soul.

and I keep remembering this buddhist saying that I saw inside a noodle shop called *So Pyae* in Myay Ni Gone, Yangon.

that regretting the past and worrying about the future is just punishing yourself.
You should try to atone your sins but concentrating and being mindful of the present is the best because that's the only way you can attain enlightenment. If you are aware of what you are doing all the time, you can prevent doing things that you would regret later on.

I dunno if that makes sense in English. I'm not a very good translater.

But how very true, for me.