April 2005 Archives

When I was in third grade, or perhaps the fourth grade, I don't remember, we had to draw maps of Burma. Yeah, it was still called Burma to the rest of the world and to us, it was Myanmar Nai Gan.
We also had to draw maps of other countries and learn the names of them - mostly our neighbors and big countries like the United States of America.
I remember thinking I loved the way Burma is shaped. It was so god damn hard to draw because it had a million mountain tops and sharp ends. But I loved the way it was shaped. I dunno, I guess it was just patriotic fervor at eight years old.

So, when I first got my google alert claiming that the Shan State in North Eastern Burma was claiming self independence from the crule Burmese Military government, my first childish thoughts were "But the shape of the country won't be the same, it will look deformed."

I've only been to the Shan state once. the Burmese language is kind of funny in the way that certain words used to describe another state in the country (for example, by using the word "Pyi", we'll say "Shan Pyi" to mean Shan State but we can also say "Ta Yuat Pyi" to say China. So that makes certain states feel like they don't belong in Burma and usually refers to the south of burma , where the capital is to be the Burmese Country.

Of course, this is also due to the fact that the ethnic minorities in other states are raped, tortured and killed every day by the military government.

So it's not surprising that they want to leave. Plenty of Burmese people want the military government to go. I mean, i don't live in Burma anymore and the military government still affects me: 1) I can't see my family anytime I want to, in fact, I haven't seen them in 5 years. 2) I can't travel anywhere I want to because most countries are mad at the Burmese governemnt. 3) I get patted down, brought into special interview rooms for lengthy questioning and treated like a half way idiot -who wants nothing more than to to stay illegally in their country and steal their jobs -at airports because i carry a Burmese passport. 4) I can't send them any gifts because it gets stolen by the customs. 5) it costs a heck of a lot to make a call to Burma. 6) I have to pay hefty taxes in the United States and in Burma. 7) I have to bribe the customs everytime I land in burma. 8) I have to bribe the customs so I can leave Burma.
and so on..
And no, it's not as bad as some other countries have it. I'm sure it's not and I know that.

But I don't want the Shan State to be independent. Maybe it's the "abandoned complex" I've gained since I left Burma but I feel abandoned by them.
I know they have been trying to gain independence for years since the Bristish left but I thought we were a country. I thought we were in this shit together, you know.... what about Daw Aung San Suu Kyi- the lady who has been under house arrest since 1988? huh? Are you just going ot leave her? Why not bring this whole country to independence? why just the Shan?

And besides, who else, besides the son of the first Burmese President is involved in this? Shan is a very wealthy state compared to the rest of the country because of its wealth in gemstones and in its millions of poppy plantations grown by rebel armies and Burmese governments and chinese armies and the list goes on...

And this might mean more war in Burma. many people don't think there's been war in burma, but trust me, there are battles fought there everyday, not that you, or me, or the kids in the capital of Burma, who has money knows about it. and this might mean a lot of other impending things that make me afraid.

I guess, if you must go, you have to go... I mean, who am I to ask you to stay under this horrible government? After all, I m not really living there anymore, am I? Maybe I'm imposing my issues on you and it'll be nice, maybe, to visit a country where people can speak Burmese - that is if they haven't banned anyone from speaking it- but really, that whole feeling abandoned thing, it's coming back again...

I'll miss your gorgeous lakes, yor talented people who row boats with their feet, delicious foods, beautiful people and that chunk of land that I'll miss drawing if I ever draw a map of Burma again.

Myanmar: Self-declared "Shan government" seeks recognition
http://www.reliefweb.int/rw/RWB.NSF/db900SID/VBOL-6BVBGS?OpenDocument

Please stop calling.
you know who you are.
your words don't scare me.
and they don't make me sad.
your words amuse me.
sometimes it makes me mad,
coz I'm busy with my life.
So, please stop calling.
I don't want anything that's yours.
You can have it all,
I don't need anything of yours.

We see you in your full glory.
no one's heart can be compared to yours, honey.
we all wished that you could find happiness-
we all cried when she dragged your heart again and again over ice.

yes, we all hated her when she cooked your heart for supper.
we told you she was the little miss evil black heart.
but your love was on a much higher plane.
we couldn't understand why you thought she'd change.

You bought her silver, you bought her gold.
you thought that with time, she would be sold.
we could never love anyone like you loved her, dear.
she slept around while you protected her from fear.

and everyone wants to know why each one of us -
who lamented on your heart of gold,
could never love you, like you loved her, boo.

at the end of the day, we sit around and thank the gods
you are rid of her.
at the end of the day, we know why we could never love you
like you loved her.
But we'll be the first to admit that we are shallow.
she's still probably regretting, how she let you go.
maybe one day, we will be be able to bask in your full glory.
your love, it was always on a much higher plane, babe.

He's so beautiful under that faint light
he's so vulnerable standing right there after we psuedo fight.
But when I see him, I don't tell him about those things.

The girls, they update me on his life without me.
when we talk, I tell him, I hope you're happy, babe.

I knew him less than four months.
But he's been with me, for more than four years, next month.
I know him less than most people do.
No one knows him like I really do.
That's what I tell myself,
when I have one of those dreams.

and he doesn't know
the impact he has on me.
He looked so vulnerable under that faint light.
in the bars last night.
and when we talked, I tell him,
I hope you're happy, honey.
He nods and I can see
he's so far away from me.

She mingles with stars,
who probably won't remember her name,
usually on Sunday nights.
She attends a pool party by Details
on a Monday night.
Celebrates a designer's birthday
on a Tuesday night.
Drinks margaritas at a Hollywood hotspot
on a Wednesday night.
Then she rolls out of bed
for an early business brunch
on Thursday morning.
and leaves work directly
to meet more TV insiders at a party that night.
On Friday, she has to hold some clients' hand
as they film a segment on tele
that will be aired in 2 fortnights.
She usually tries a great new restaurant
with a friend on Saturday nights.
And silently through all this,
she felt her heart was heavy.
Unaware, was she, that Burma was falling
and her heart was giving out that weird sensation.
Unaware that Burma was falling.

I don't sleep very well. I've been a light sleeper since my immune system "got the wrong message" from my brain and started attacking my thyroid.
Since then, trying to fall asleep even though I'm absolutely exhausted is hard and harder when I'm stressed. And sometimes, I'm reluctant to fall asleep because thoughts are buzzing in my head and I want to contemplate them all.

So it starts a vivious cycle where I sleep for 4 hours a day and try to live my life and not get sick with that little sleep. So I drink more caffeine and the cycle goes on.
It has been alot better since the move to the new job though- I am able to get an hour more sleep. but does that also mean I sleep an hour later every day. I don't know.
Anyway, so sometimes I sit here and I forget that there's more than just layers of fog in front of me. but today I decided to cheer self up by reading uplifting blogs. =)

Keri Smith always writes to try and motivate, so i went to her site
(i wanted to see her drawings too - I'm someone who can have excellent visions of beautiful drawings but my hands are not able to draw what i see in my mind's eye)

Anyway, she had a list of things that made her crazy and happy and giddy. So I thought I'd make one too.

1. The warm sunshine on my skin that does not make me sweat.
2. Good Books
3. thoughtful poems.
4. a cute puppy who wants my attention.
5. good coffee in the morning.
6. abstract art that grabs my attention
7. Great finds at vintage/thrift stores
8. Crazy shoes.
9. shiny accessories
10. Music by Garbage.
11. letters from my family
12. emails written in broken english from my cousins in Burma
13. kindness shown by people.
14. good stories of Immigrants and their history.
15. when I see that an Asian American actually has a good role in a movie/ tv show.
16. talking to my friends on the phone or in person, etc.
17. talking to my family on the phone.
18. counting blue cars in traffic when I get stressed out at work and I lok at my window.
19. Getting my clients exactly what they want.
20. Knowing that one day, my family and I can be together, maybe in the same country. =)

What I'm feeling right now: complete exhaustion.

what I really want to do right now: listen to Garbage's new CD (can't, I bought groceries instead of a CD)

What I'm watching right now: Alias. Thought it was a 2 hour special episode of Lost but they just showed an old episode and I am unable to change channels due to the fact that I'm blogging. I wish these people on Alias would stop trying to find the god damn Rimbaldi already.

What I wish I could stop: dreaming about work. I've done this as long as I've had a job. when I used to be a waitress, I used to wake up in a panic whenever I dreamt that I forgot to order something for one of my tables.

What I am admitting to liking: Incomplete - the Backstreet Boys' new song. I can't help it, I've worked with most of them and one of them made one of my dreams come true: getting to meet Vin Diesel. And besides, one of the boy's wife was in an episode of Lost. That makes her cool instantly.

Who I really dislike: My brand new neighbor, who talks loudly about her band in front of my window eveery single day since she's moved in. I bet they suck.

What I realized yesterday: I'm addicted to things that make me feel bad. It's a vicious cycle. I must stop it.

What I really regret about this year: I never got to eat my Cadbury mini eggs.

What job I really want but will never have: Crime Scene Investigator.

What I'm really grateful for: Having Jackie and her family in my life.

P.S: and all my friends who listen and give me a shoulder to lean on.

WooHoo!!! I saw Garbage Live in concert at the Wiltern LG Theatre last night. It was the best night of my life!!!
lol - after a whole day of rushing form place to place and having to beg the fed ex security guards to let me in after hours as I was late to pick up my tickets that I had purchased from Ebay... and making it to the theatre in time (me and Jackie were on time for something, imagine), we were extremely hungry throughout the opening act (The Dead 60's). Maybe that's why we couldn't make out what they were saying, lol.

Anyway, Shirley Manson absolutely rocks and all my teenage dreams of wanting to be a rock star came back in full force. lol

So, tonight, even though I have to be at 2 places after work, I'm going to try and get the Garbage CD that just came out!

Thanks Jackie for coming with me. You ROCK!!! lol

Oh and Happy Birthday to my mom!!!!
Mom, you rock too!

My friends told me to stay resilient and strong through out all the drama that was played out in my life over the past year and half. I think this song by Christina describes exactly how I feel.

Tomorrow (or later today) is an exciting brand new day and I can't wait to wake up to it. SO I dedicate this song to all the people that wronged me in the past 1.5 years. "Am I talking to you?" you ask. Well, if the shoe fits.

Fighter by Christina Aguilera

After all you put me through
You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I want to thank you
Because you made me that much stronger

When i, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess i, I couldn’t trust
Called your bluff, time is up
’cause I’ve had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
’cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
’cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do
I wanna know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

’cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohhhh, ohh-yeah ah uhhhuh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you’re going around
Playing the victim now
But don’t, even begin
Feeling I’m the one to blame
’cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won’t work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it’s over
’cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

’cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

You-won’t-stop-me

I am a fighter and i
I ain’t goin’ stop
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough

’cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

I know everyone who read the last couple of blogs can guess that I've been having kind of a hard time.
well, since I arrived at Berkeley in January 2002, It's been a struggle and the last 9 months, everything accumulated and I wasn't sleeping anymore, I wasn't eating right anymore, I couldn't really smile without crying. I wasn't me anymore and I was just sinking in despair. Despair, it has a funny way of just shredding you to pieces.

Now, I feel with this new job, I am able to breathe again. I feel as though the foot that has been stepping on my throat has been shoved away.

The best part about my new job besides the swanky "Account Manager" title, the nearly 6000 dollars more a year pay raise, the full benefits that I will be receiving, plus the fact that they have everything ready for me to apply for my H-1 visa, is that it's only 1.14 miles from my house.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, "the crazy driving weaving in and out of traffic days are over". And thank god too, my car is getting way too old for that.

I honestly don't remember ever feeling this happy. I don't. I feel as though I've been sitting in the sewer and suddenly, someone has dug a hole in the top and the sun just shone down on me. I have alot of climbing to do before I can get out of the sewer. But I'll be damned, if the sunshine doesn't feel good.

I'd also like to thank my friends and my family for their support and prayers and assistance, and Andrea, Linnea, Gail, Medina, Marissa, Boo* and Susannah* (names with * has been changed for their own protection) for making this possible. And most of all, I'd like to thank Karma for finally coming through.

I have to jump over another hurdle today before it will all be finally history. Please Wish me luck. I might need it.

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