July 13, 2006
Everytime I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray.
I wrote the following post a long time ago, on May 4th, 2006 - 2 days before my father passed away. I never posted it and I don't remember why I never posted it. I think it's because I knew that it wasn't entirely true - that I didn't really see a full picture from this lesson Life was giving me and that the road ahead was still confusing as hell. But I wanted to have faith in the near future. I wanted to have faith in the things that are to come and I do really want to be able to separate myself - who I am from what I do to survive so that I can really let myself be free.
Steve Jobs said in a commencenment speech - that you have to trust in something, that the dots that in the future, when you look back, the dots that you leave will connect, and that you will finally have a clear picture of what you have been doing with your life, what your decisions have become.
And I am beginning to see the dots connecting. They are slowly forming a shape. I don't know how much I like the shape right now, but things are starting to make some kind of sense for me.
I was thinking today that you never realise how much you love someone, how much you really love them, until you are: either on the brink of losing them or have already lost them.
And I feel as though life/karma, what ever, keeps giving me chances on silver platters but I am usually too busy wallowing in "why me?". I am not living in the moment enough, in fact at all.
And if I want to be able to fall asleep at night and if I really want to go out and achieve the things that I want, I need to stop worrying about what might have happened and how it might have been, what will happen and how it will be and just focus on the present and actually figure it out and do what is neccessary.
Of course, as I write this, it is actually 5 AM and I have been up all night, in the process of making a film in the tunnels in Singapore.
But I managed to keep my focus today and work and work and just let other things slide off of me. Because if you can't separate yourself - who you are from what you do - in order to survive, I don't think you can make it in the long run.
Please say a prayer for my father, who is fighting for his life in the Surgical Intensive care in a hospital in Singapore.
Posted by Yangon Thu at July 13, 2006 06:18 AM | TrackBack